Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here