Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
When the stylist spins you back around
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I put the hot in psychotic.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you