A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.