ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Education is vital
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
yeah no that’s fair
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.