Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day