[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Unimpressed
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
You’ll be OK