wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news