Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
You Might Also Like
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
he was correct
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
That time Alicia messaged me
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.