This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Tell me you get it…🤣
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
getting old is fun
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.