I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse