Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
A baby bear catches snowflakes.