The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
That earthquake could have been an email.
I just tested negative for patience.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down