This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
You Might Also Like
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
an octopus is just a wet spider
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.