I need to get some bricks…
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
idk flipping houses looks really hard
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.