“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.