A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
You Might Also Like
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal