Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Monica just destroyed the internet
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up