To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I don’t get marriage
⛄️
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Just me and my debit card against the world
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.