True freaking story!
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My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
just make the entire table out of coaster
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly