Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.