It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying