Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Thursday
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.