Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Every BBC series about the universe.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Safety first
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.