Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.