I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*