My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Y’all know who you are.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Tell the colonel to bring it
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*