I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Put the is in disheveled
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I’m having an out of money experience.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe