I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
get you a girl who
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.