[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
You Might Also Like
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.