It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.