yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
A dad and his duck
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower