half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit