Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Traveler’s camo
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Was it something I said?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.