Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
WTF
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe