teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.