I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
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Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.