Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband