I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
True freaking story!
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.