Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
You Might Also Like
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I falcon love using swear birds
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z