My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too