The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
That time Alicia messaged me
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head