My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
You Might Also Like
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ouch
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.