Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
thanksgiving in nutshell
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width