* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
You Might Also Like
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I just love that new Pope smell.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.