You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
When he asks for feet pics
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?