“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
he was correct
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.