Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Simple enough.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.