[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You Might Also Like
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
OH. COME. ON.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.