I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My friend is an excellent librarian.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
monday
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.