Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.